It has been approximately 15 minutes since I last received an email imploring me to boycott fuel from BP and Shell, to “stand up and show them we’re not paying their rip-off prices anymore”’, and a full 20 minutes since I was asked to sign one of those Government petitions calling for a reduction in VAT and duty on fuel. *ping*, here’s another. I am not a wealthy person. I am not particularly intelligent either. But I do know that these are the most futile methods of protest known to man. The French burn things, the Italians strike, the Russians shoot people and the Germans invade. We, in blighty, protest by limp-wristedly typing our name on a digital list that will, with undeniable certainty, be deleted by the recipient without so much as a cursory glance at it. Pointless pixels of protest. However, I am not advocating storming Downing Street and hanging politicians from lamp-posts, for I am not a shifty foreigner thankyouverymuch. I have concluded that the only thing more annoying than the high cost of fuel is people moaning about it. And this got me thinking. What if fuel were more even more expensive ?
There are many benefits of an increase in fuel costs. I shall list but a few; The moaning masses would be finally forced into public transport where they can share their tedious opinions on fuel costs (and their contagious diseases) with like-minded simpletons. Caravanners could be corralled into going to Pontins for their holiday, an earthly paradise by their short-sighted standards, removing the pestilence of their ear-wax coloured boxes from our Bank Holiday roads. HGVs would no longer elephant-race the entire length of the A14 and food would be delivered by internet somehow (I’ll admit to not having thought about the technical issues associated with this, but if I can get Kelly Brook naked on my screen, surely a cyber-delivery of Kleenex to go with it is do-able ?). Those signing petitions who are incandescent with rage at the current price of fuel will finally have their heart attack when it is increased to, say, £2 a litre. The amount of traffic on the road would decrease. Even those despicable perverts who go by the name of ‘hypermilers’ will be forced off the road and will instead spend their energy trying to make their sandwiches last longer by taking smaller bites out of them or by drinking rainwater or something equally futile. Never again will you be stuck behind a mouth-breather in something French and diesel doing the NSL-25% because they’re driving frugally. They will be economically banished.
The Government will be forced to re-nationalise public transport due to the sheer numbers of people travelling on it and, like the rest of the civilised world, it will eventually become a practical and cost-effective alternative to driving. Congestion and the congestion charge will be no more. Stop/Start technology will stay stopped. Electric Vehicles will die too, for they’re only profitable when subsidised by car companies who make white-goods-on-wheels with internal combustion engines anyway, oh the irony. We won’t have to listen to any more flawed arguments about cars damaging the environment, no more pub-bores talking about filthy diesel, and the sales-reptile/recruitment consultant/double glazing chimp in a suit will no longer be able to bang on your door trying to flog cack you don’t want because he will be equipped not with the conventional 3 box saloon, but a bicycle. For added protection against these 2 wheeled goons you might want to move to the top of a steep hill. And the financial repercussions for the State ? Slipping into Carol Vorderman (fnarr) mode I can share some maths with you; Less fuel sold at a higher price = the same net tax contribution. It’s now a hard and irrefutable fact because I’ve just typed it on the internet.
But what of us, the petrolheads, the motoring enthusiasts ? Is this campaign for higher fuel costs suicide for us ? No. It is not. We get the roads to ourselves, Britain becomes an automotive utopia where the only other cars you see are owned by like-minded drivers, cars that are interesting to look at and are driven quickly and courteously by those in the know. A small price to pay for £2 a litre. Or even £5 a litre. Actually I’ll pay £10 a litre if it means I never again have to share tarmac with these whinging, cheapskate half-wits who think starting a petition is the way to get anything done.
I humbly ask for your support with this, a serious campaign for more expensive fuel, I might even start a petition. That’ll show ‘em.